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i didnt realize it would come to this
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| whats the point now |
[19 Mar 2006|01:18am] |
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sometimes i feel like i am alone. lately its been this receding feeling i get constantly.
i cant make myself stop feeling it. i try so hard i cry.
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| where do i go? |
[23 Nov 2005|11:10pm] |
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mood |
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its weird to be high and low |
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music |
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chatter and static |
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my entire life. honestly, for as long as i can remember, people have been doing things for me. everything. when i was little i never cleaned my room, i never let the dog out, fed the cats, picked my dirty clothes up or put the clean ones away. i did nothing but play all the time. i got older and i think that subconsciencly i figured someone would be around to do it for me. and i am 18 years old now and people are still doing everything for me. my daily life is based on the decisions of other people. these people being my family, my social group (i wouldnt call them my friends because they are my boyfriends friends) and my goddamn coworkers.
where ever i go, people fall in love with me. people tell me im one of kind. that there is something special about me. they compliment me endlessly.
[you have a beautiful smile, you're so pretty, you dress so differently, youre amazing, youre awesome, youre so cool, you have a great ass, your so sexy, youre so polite, you have a great personality, youre really smart.]
everywhere i go, stores, restaurants, partys, work, the gas station, the convenient store, a god damn library even, i get hit on, checked out, macked on-or i get a phone number.
i would give up my car for a day if one day out of the week i didnt get hit on. or asked out.
call me conceded, please do it. someone should argue with me on this because i want to be wrong. i have this incredible influence over people i dont know why nor where it came from but its me. its all just me. its just who i am i dont know how to be any other way.
i realized something a few days ago. i manipulate people into sleeping with me.
and i like that.
i am formulating a new theory on my sex life. it should be good.
--something just poped into my head. everyone ive had a serious relationship with has fallen head over heels, obsessive, in love with me. and all have stated i am the perfect girl for them. [every time they would say perfect i would fight and say nothing is ever perfect, and they all, strangely enough would fight back and say maybe not, but youre perfect for me carly]
none of them make me happy for long periods of time. its short amazing connections.
its really hard to be in a relationship were you are growing and learning but your partner isnt.
why do things have to be so black and white. so defined and so exact. i like the grey area better.
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| i should get on this one,, |
[09 Jun 2005|01:57pm] |
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i hate seeing people suffer like i did. i just want to reach out and hug them and tell them its going to be alright, but alot of the times people dont like that confrontation and i know that but i really think, i could help. i brought in brownies and blueberry muffins and cookies and popcorn to one of my classes today and shared with them the things i love. i think we need to share and spread love more than we do.
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| im sitting in computer class |
[07 Jun 2005|08:14am] |
i cant remember the last time i had so little say.
i try to think of things that have happened in the last few months and its honestly all a fog. i know little bits and pieces of things ive done and i remember funny stories but i honestly cant remember when anything happened. and its not bothering me. i dont feel like im fucking up my life im living my life how i want to at this moment. and ive reached this point where i dont care how this affects others ive been too nice and too forgiving to the people around me who have taken advantage of me and im going to get out of this town because im convinced, as beautiful as this place can be that it will destory anyone. and i dont want it to consume me. i dont want this dreary, boring, angry, hateful place to control me.
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[23 Feb 2005|08:20am] |
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music |
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Rilo Kiley the Execution of All Things |
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i enjoy this song very much.
Soldiers come quickly, I feel the earth beneath my feet
I'm feeling badly, it's not an attempt at decency
And if you're well off, well then I'm happy some for you
But I'd rather not celebrate my defeat and humiliation here with you
Someone come quickly, this place was built for moving out
Leave behind buildings, the city planners got mapped out
Bring with you history and make your hard earned feast
Then we'll go to Omaha, to work and exploit the booming music scene
And humility
And we've been talking all night...
Oh god come quickly, for the execution of all things
Let's start with the bears and the air and mountains rivers and streams
Then we'll murder what matters to you and move on to your neighbors and kids
Crush all hopes of happiness with disease cause of what you did
And lastly, you're all alone with nothing left but sleep
But sleep never comes to you, it's the guilt and forever wakefulness of the weak
It's just you and me....
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| i think im going through some type of identity crisis. |
[06 Sep 2004|09:54am] |
i feel almost as if im living two different lives. on one side i just am. nothing seems to make me feel better or worse in this live. im just dull and completely apathetic. in the other life i am so much more. im feeling amazing things. most of all, i feel accepted. like no matter how much shit i have to go through in my life these people will always be there.
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in the past 2 days i have smoked 3 packs of cigarettes. and i tried to eat a bagel egg and cheese thing but i took one bite and almost threw up.
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and lastly.
i hate.
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[16 Jun 2004|08:55pm] |
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mood |
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wonaful |
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music |
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-nothing |
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my boyfriend picked me flowers.
ohmygodohmygodohmygod
oohhhhhhh my god!!!!
he is wonderful.
he is amazing.
and im going to wear his bright yellow twinkie pj's pants tomorrow!
oh he rocks.
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| bababababamm |
[22 Apr 2004|06:10pm] |
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mood |
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im missing him and he doesnt |
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music |
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watching MXC |
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just a reminder.
even though no one who reads this will understand cause im pretty sure he doesnt.
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[05 Apr 2004|04:24pm] |
i dont know whats funnier..
being chased by a car that was only going 10 milesperhour, in the sad cafe parkinglot.. or having some emokid take a picture of me at dennys.
eh. i dont really remember much from that night anyway.
you know i care so much about you it makes me sick that you can just toss me aside.
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[29 Mar 2004|03:36pm] |
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what the fuck is wrong with you people? you all fucking suck.
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[28 Mar 2004|02:02pm] |
raaahhh.
hey its conor.
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| pictures pictures pictures. |
[01 Mar 2004|07:26pm] |
yes. this is conor. from when i saw him. yes i saw him with my own eyes. yes it was amazing. yes. i love him.
sorry about the different size thing. i duno how that happened.
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| pick you apart. |
[01 Mar 2004|03:20pm] |
completely. speechless. maybe im looking into this too much. but that seriously was the most amazing and beautiful thing ive ever seen in my life. ive realized there is so more, so much more to life than my job, high school, grades, college, depression. all of it.
there are beautiful things in disaster.
there are beautiful things in the dark.
there are so many beautiful things everywhere all you have do is look. all you have to do.
its ok. it is. its ok.
You are "Lets Not Shit Ourselves (To Love and
to Be Loved)". You are cautious of your
actions and if you feel you'll end up being
hurt in a situation, you avoid it. You like
things in life to be real and pure, and you
hate the News on TV. To you, love is a puzzle
that you once felt a piece of but now you have
learned to focus on other things. You want to
get away from where you are.
Which BRIGHT EYES song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[28 Feb 2004|08:45pm] |
car crash anyone? yeah i blame it on legolas.
by the way. we were merry and pippin long before merry and pippin were merry and pippin. so there.
&try saying "i do" in a sean connery [!!] voice. and you get something extremely funny.
mothercat and chichi. out to bargin shop. yeah thats right.
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[27 Feb 2004|12:20pm] |
i feel completely left behind.
and ive got nothing else to say.
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[15 Feb 2004|07:30pm] |
maybe i should hate you for this. i can barely see. you grab my arm and say whats up how ya been is something wrong?
i just try to smile and say everythings fine.
hang up the phone i dont wanna talk to anyone anymore.
this is what living like this does.
i want to keep the car in drive and leave this all behind.
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| maybe i should hate you for this. |
[12 Feb 2004|09:09pm] |
bombthreat at school = best day ever.
we got out at 11 00ish.
went out to lunch, went to bullmoose. got some cds. went to work.
alright so i suppose it doesnt seem like a good day. but it was for me.
nonetheless.
i always come home feeling empty and used.
i wish it didnt sting this bad.
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